Monday, January 20th, 2025.

My heart is full of hatred and anger.

The world is truly rotting from the inside out. No matter how strong of an antibiotic I am, I'm not strong enough to stay positive in this system.

I'm full of hatred for the people who are nothing but. It's hard to fathom how disgusting this country, these people of synthesized power have become. It's a system of dogs that eat their own shit just to pretend they're full, shit it back out, and repeat. There is no soverign law, no justice, no equality. The people who struggle will struggle more, those who are wealthy will become even fatter with greed. Today is the first day of hell as we know it, again. Many people will die tomorrow from the evildoings of this man, this government, if you can call it that anymore. We warned of this, they didn't listen. All we can do now is watch, wait, and hope they soon suffer like we said we all would. In order for them to get to that point of realization, we have to suffer even more. I still hope that one day they'll realize we were right, not that it would change the horrific things they've allowed and at worst, encouraged. To say I'm scared for the future is an understatement. For many of us, and one of us in particular, the only way out of this will be a bullet to the head. One can only hope the stars align better this time.

There will be blood.

Sunday, February 16th, 2025.

Where the fuck is my money???

I work and work and work (on a good streak) and I still get fucked over.

People with more knowledge, more money, and more tenacity get to my shit before me and take everything I have to earn. The crypto environment is full of swindlers and crooks and in some sense, yes I am one too. But I work my ass off and most of the time don't even get paid the bare minimum for my work. Someone in the background always screws it over in disgusting quantities. I just want one win every now and then, ONE. I don't think we've had a successful launch in months. Hundreds of wasted artworks I didn't even get paid for because I suck at standing up for myself and knowing how much to charge. I need to be more assertive and just overcharge and if they go with it, fuck yeah. Too scared of rejection really to do that. Ruin my reputation. I need to keep checking in with people so they even remember I'm here and that I want/need money. Makes me feel too expendable. Especially after a(nother) disappointing loss.

Sunday, March 30th, 2025.

Trying to think positive for 2025

Starting to think about how to romantacize my day-to-day.

Aesthetic youtubers have me wanting to feel better about what I do, even the mundane. Brewing a nice cup of coffee (and it probably still tasting like shit) makes me want to get special wooden spoons, handmade ceramic cups, a moka pot. They make simple and healthy cooking look enjoyable and aesthetically pleasing. I can't stop watching Hoarders and it's been pushing me to clean more. I wish it was simpler to get myself to get rid of things, the house is so full despite only being here a short amount of time. If I keep up with the shopping/my mom's gifts I'll be on Hoarders in the next decade. I need to start up a small business again, or get a hobby like reviving my youtube channel, streaming. I think I'm supposed to be working but another fail has me wanting to just ignore it all. The money needs to come in. I can't keep putting up with losses if I don't have a reliable backup. It's been months. We were so close to finishing those loans and now I'm stuck and waiting to see how much I need to pay in taxes. At least I can watch Korean vlogs and pretend it's not an issue.